A tough read for Beverley fans!

This one might be a rough read for any Beverley fans; Aiden, seen as though you’re reading (a skill I didn’t know you had), it turns out Melly really did get ya…

Ladies and gents, strap yourselves in for a substantial lack of detail as we have 15 tries to describe; 1 of which was Beverley’s, kudos on that one, the rest were a mixture of some outstandingly good play from I’s and some outstandingly ill disciplined play from Beverley. The Buccs would once again find themselves defending their unbeaten league record with a stellar line up which would get the most frigid of Ionians membership moist. We were blessed with a star studded line up with first team additions from Kirky and Yatesy which would leave the Beverley crowd wondering why they wasted their Saturday afternoon attending Brantingham Park. Do you want to hear about the pinnacle of English rugby, the Eastern Merit League? Look no further ladies, this match report will describe absolutely nothing.

Beverley would start proceedings with near perfect conditions and kicking off to the Ionians forwards who would collect comfortably through Dan Pinder and sensing opportunity, we thought we could break wide. However, opportunity favours the frigid and we would knock the ball on for a Beverley scrum 30m out. A slick backs move caught our centres off guard and meant the talented Beverley inside centre would weave his way beyond our fullback and score a 7 point score which would provide the Buccs with a much needed wake up call. We had a class lineup and was it going to go to our heads?? Don’t worry readers… it didn’t… despite the Beverley inside centre’s best efforts who was a shining light in an otherwise dismal afternoon for the local rivals.

Time to sort our selves out and boy did we. Beverley were exceptionally aggressive but also exceptionally ill disciplined so we would kick a penalty to the corner for holding on and march forward a maul which the Beverley team strangely opted to not defend. A master stroke from the Beverley forwards would leave both us and the referee wondering wtf just happened as the Beverley pack stepped away from the maul and allowed the I’s forwards to sprint the final 10 unopposed. Eagle would dot down for a converted score, 7-7. There are some good schools in Beverley but I’m not sure the rugby team attended any… A few of the Beverley crowd said that was the straw that broke the camels back and if it wasn’t for that decision the other 79 points wouldn’t have happened. An interesting point of view I have to say, one which may suggest you were dropped on your head as a child.

The next kick off would allow us to play more sensibly and Kirky who had an outstanding game, particularly from the boot, marshalled us around the pitch and pinned Beverley back in their own half. I don’t have enough time to describe the next multiple tries in detail. Too many to go in to and too many for you readers to pretend you’re interested. Winch would score, Jake would score, Alfie would score, Yatesy would obviously score. Obviously, Tries weren’t really the notable points of the game. Rhys Duerden would come on for his much anticipated return to Buccs rugby which was lovely to see. He would look to collect a kick off to mark the occasion and knock the ball on with his first touch, also great to see. He would make up for it with some barn storming carries though so we can let him off. Shortly after, the Beverley captain was also unfortunate as he slapped down a blatant scoring opportunity and was penalised for a deliberate knock on around the half way line. There were cries for a yellow card but the cards remained safely in the referees pocket (for now). The Bev skipper would injure his knee shortly after and due to a lack of forklift being available on the back pitch a break in play would allow the crowd to gather their thoughts. It would soon go from bad to worse for the away team. The cards were soon to see the light of day as Beverley, presumably out of frustration began to try and behead every single one of the Ionians boys. Henry VIII would’ve been proud of their display. At one point they even de-kegged our little ginger scrum half and tried to pull his pony tail off… at least buy him dinner first lads Jesus. The crowd got slightly horny after seeing my buns though that’s fair to say. I’m trying to follow in Harvey’s footsteps of being a certified PAWG.

The ill discipline would continue and the ref saw no other option but to start sending the Beverley players off. A truly atrocious late challenge on our winger, Luke would grant their flanker their first yellow card of the day. This would be followed by approximately 5 more, 1 for us, the rest to Beverley and also a red card to seal their efforts. I think I know what they’ll be doing on Tuesday night… and it doesn’t involve buying our Chesney dinner. Due to their lack of discipline they really made it hard for themselves. Beverley would struggle to gain any momentum in attack and despite their best efforts at counter rucks which would occasionally spoil our ball nicely, Jack Pinder was the thorn in their side which meant they couldn’t string together many phases. The bloke was absolutely everywhere and would gain multiple turnovers and shut down any dangers in their attack. When we got our hands on the ball, some outstanding carries from Jake, Allenby and Moose would allow us to distribute the ball outside for Sam and Kirky to pull the strings. Couldn’t tell you how the tries were scored in all honesty but they certainly happened. Half time oranges, 31-7.

2nd half can be summarised pretty concisely; Bev kick off, we score. Despite that rhetoric, Beverley would strangely continue to celebrate their kick offs as each time their 10 would put up a nice kick, they managed to tackle either Pinds or Allenby. Lucky for them, they would get plenty of opportunity to cheer. More tries occurred. Many more tries. Moose got a well deserved brace, Yatesy an obvious hat trick because there’s no way he should be playing 2nd team rugby, Hazard deservedly got himself on the score sheet, Alfie did, Allenby continues his impressive scoring record. Basically everyone but me and Kirky scored who are obviously saving ourselves for a lovely end of season naked run. If I keep up my terrible passing displays I might be doing it for the ramblers soon so watch this space.

We would get our first yellow card through debutant Dennis who had an outstanding first game on the wing but would join the beheading battle as his opposite number slipped into a tackle and meant he would get 10 minutes for a high shot. No complaints to be fair, you reap what ya sow Beverley. The next notable play has to be Allenby’s delightful break from the half way line who put in a lovely weighted chip to the corner which some how got collected by the ancient Beverley winger who got themselves out of danger. Allenby truly is the Jack of all trades; except kicking, passing, team talks, being on time, anything else I miss? The one try I’ll mention was Yatesy’s full pitch effort. He ran the full pitch. It was good (Detail’s not my strong point).

The game finished 86-7 and fair play to Beverley for sticking at it. At times they only had 12 players on the field and we had our strongest outfit out this season so it was an uphill battle for them. Notable mentions go to Harv and Moose for turning up on the day, Harv for his outstanding tan coming straight from the airport and Moose for his commitment to avoid work. Everyone had an outstanding game, the full pack, particularly Jake for his outrageously strong carries and the backs led by Kirky were quality. MoM went to Jack Pinder who was ridiculously good, serious engine on him, some might say he’s too stupid to get tired… not me though, I wouldn’t say that. Once again the main thing for Ionians is putting 3 male teams out and a women’s team on a weekend, that’s what matters regardless of a win or loss, great to see and long may it continue. The club is certainly building something and despite a purple patch for our first team we see that as just a blip which will be soon be rectified. BP next week for us, see ya there if you’re unfortunate enough to attend.