On an unseasonably mafting day (or, in simpler terms, f*ing warm), the stage was set for the Buccs’ return to the mighty Brantingham fortress. This inaugural home game carried plenty of weight after a mixed start to the season — the Buccs were in dire need of setting the record straight after their loss to Sheffield the week prior.

With a blend of new pre-pubescent talent — or, as some might say, a collection of degenerates and misfits — the Buccs took to the field. With kick-off in hand, Hassard was able to pin the cast of Auf Wiedersehen, Pet back in their own half, and after some hard hits, the errors came. Scrum to the Buccs.

In years gone by, this had been a weak point — sometimes a disaster — as the second rows would wave goodbye to Smeg while the scrum rolled over him. Luckily, the Buccs recruited well this year. With new signing Kammie, the Colossus, reinforcing the front row, they shredded it up.

At this point, the referee’s whistle had seemingly broken through overuse — perhaps from years of experience or his time working alongside Mary Berry on Bake Off. But not to worry — as we all learned throughout the game, Alex Edwards (smeg) was more than capable of providing a full running commentary to both sides, which absolutely did not get on anyone’s nerves whatsoever.

The game pressed on, both sides trading handling errors and scrums. Seven scrums in the first ten minutes put pressure on the lighter forward pack. Tynedale looked dangerous — strong runners down the middle creating overlaps out wide — but the Buccs held strong.

The first real chance came from a lineout: a simple pass off the top, down the line to Hassard, who placed a wonderful chip through. He touched it once, he touched it twice — fans held their breath — but it wasn’t to be, as a Tynedale player wrapped it up. Back to the drawing board.

Scrum to Tynedale, just outside their 22. Crouch, bind, set. Kammie and Ryan Platten meant business, driving them backwards — something unbelievable. Tynedale regathered and kicked to safety — or so they thought — straight into the hands of Deights, who took it blind and broke the line to deliver the Buccs’ first try of the game. Extra points neatly added by Hassard.

Tynedale kicked off — and missed the pitch entirely. Unlucky, Ryan Platten — more scrums for you. Then another scrum. And another. Eventually, after both backlines decided to actually hold onto the ball, rugby resumed.

The Buccs gained a lineout on Tynedale’s 22. Quick hands from Eyeball Paul Evison marched the boys up to the 5-metre line. Ball secured. The Buccs drove hard, but Tynedale’s defence stood firm — until some slick hands sent the ball wide to Coutts and his magic feet. Bish bash bosh — he’s over! Try time. Extra points taken too.

Confidence filled the Buccs — was this going to be a walkover?

Not if Tynedale had anything to say about it. They kicked deep, Hassard caught and returned, and after a short game of kick-tennis — during which several forwards looked like they might enter cardiac arrest — play resumed. After some scrappy exchanges, Tynedale found themselves on the Buccs’ 22 with a scrum in hand. Their No. 8 picked, beat the first man, and with pace, dotted down. Game on.

The Buccs hit back fast — Luke Mackay broke the line at such speed that when he was chopped down, he rolled about twenty metres further. Paul Hollywood (the ref) didn’t take kindly to this and declared a penalty to the other team.

Half-time whistle. Fresh legs needed. The lads knew what to fix — discipline and spreading the defence.

Clearly, some missed that section of Ziggy’s briefing. The second half kicked off, Tynedale regathered from a lucky bounce, and started pounding the centre like Christian Grey. The Buccs held, but poor decisions gave Tynedale another chance out wide — and they took it. Try time. 14–12. Luckily, they missed the conversion. Ziggy wasn’t nervous, but he was getting a little shaky.

Then disaster — the Colossus of Hull had fallen. Kammie was out. Scrums went uncontested, which was bad news, as for once we were dominating them. On the bright side, it did stop Smeg from being clothes-lined off the back of most scrums (though sadly, not from moaning).

Under pressure, the Buccs played solid rugby — hard carriers up the middle from Aiden Calvert, Harvey Robson, and Ryan Platten, then shifting wide to the beautiful centre pairing of Coutts and Deights. It was looking good — it was looking sexual.

Scrum called. Coutts, moving at ungodly speed, darted through again to grab his second try of the afternoon. Hassard missed the sticks — five points gained.

With twenty minutes left, Tynedale came out firing. Both sides carried and tackled hard. The odd break was made, but overplaying (or one of Smeg’s mystery kicks) killed momentum. Tynedale began to tire, making errors, and the Buccs capitalised — marching back up through a mix of lineouts and knock-ons.

The forwards tucked the ball under their jumpers, pounding up to the 5-metre line. One carrier, two carriers — still nothing. The pressure kept building until Harvey Robson, with his lovely rear end, planted the final try of the game over the line.

Final score: 26–12.
The Buccs are back — and they might just be onto something this year.